Home Sweet Suck: A Thanksgiving Story

Last night, Joanna and I watched a duo of flicks with Thanksgiving as the backdrop. The first was the annual standard Home for the Holidays. The second was a movie that I had been wanting to see for years, and of which I was finally able to procure a copy over the summer (thank you VHS Preservation Society): the 1981 slasher Home Sweet Home. I didn’t know anything other than it was a slasher that took place at Thanksgiving.



The tagline makes no sense, as only one character is named Bradley

 The movie starts out by disregarding the then-standard of slasher cinema by showing us the killer. No mask, no mystery (and no connection to the victims and no motive—not even a flimsy one—but that part didn’t bother me). So we see a beefy, Lou Ferrigno-type guy in a skintight shirt kill some dude and take his station wagon. He then runs down an old lady crossing the street, and proceeds to drive out to the country where a wannabe record exec guy (played by Don Edmonds, director of the Ilsa movies) is throwing a California-style Thanksgiving gathering for his friends (also present are his son Mistake, a rock-and-roll-obsessed-but-looks-more-like-a-mime-than-KISS amateur magician and his daughter Angel, played by a very young Vinessa Shaw).

The first half hour or so of the film is enjoyable, but in a bad way. It’s entertaining to watch the stereotypical bad acting, the flimsy plot and the absurd set-up and characterization going on. After everything is in place, though, the movie is just boring as hell for the final hour. The kills certainly are not very inventive. You don’t care one way or the other about a single character. And again, the killer looks like Lou Ferrigno.

Suffice it to say, we will not likely be making this flick a November tradition. But still, in my never ending quest to see every 80s slasher ever made…at least I get to scratch one off the list. Other films we may be thankful for this month include the Parker Posey-starring The House of Yes, the hour-long, turkey-slasher mini-epic Thankskilling (this movie is actually pretty fun if you go not expecting anything other than a turkey killing kids and dishing out one-liners), and the Pauly Shore classic Son-in-Law. Just killing time until we can sink our teeth into the many and varied Christmas flicks we watch every December.



Preview of next month:

Johnny's Top 10 Genre Movies of the 1980s!

In wanting to do decade-themed top 10 lists, I should probably go in chronological order, but it seems appropriate to start with the decade I grew up with, the one in which I developed my love for all things horror, sci-fi and weird. This list will be genre-centric, so even though movies like Thrashin’, Gleaming the Cube and Rad! are counted among some of my favorite movies ever, they won’t be included here.  Here are my faves of the Reagan era, in my best attempt at putting them in descending order:

10. Howard the Duck- Scoff all you want. I fucking love this movie. I loved it the first time I rented the VHS as an 8- or 9-year-old kid, and I fucking love it now on the fairly-recently-released DVD. I can kinda see, I guess, why a lot of people don’t care for it….it is pretty fucking ridiculous. But damn, if it isn’t the most charming kind of ridiculous there is. This flick will forever remain the definitive Lea Thompson-making-out-with-a-duck movie in my eyes.

 9. The Empire Strikes Back- Pretty obvious and standard. Not really much to say here, other than that there are those who prefer Jedi and those who prefer Empire. I have always been part of the latter.

8. Return of the Living Dead 2- I hear people speak ill of this movie all the time (though I did meet a guy once about 5 years ago that had the RotLD 2 VHS cover tattooed on his forearm--that guy is ok in my book), but I can never understand why. Obviously, the first RotLD is hard to match, but in my mind, this sequel has always come close, if not surpassed the original. And in a crunch, I usually watch part 2 instead. While I love a good zombié verité picture as much as the next fella, hordes of walking dead have always suited the campier side of film much better to me. In a post-Shaun of the Dead world, where zombedies are a dime a dozen, I think the idea was much more novel in the 80s.

The Legendary Bob

7. Dead Dudes in the House- This may seem a strange entry. But in my world, it makes so much sense. My brother, my sister and I caught this on Cinemax or whatever in 1989, and had the foresight to tape it, as well. I cannot tell you how many times we watched this movie after that. We all three knew it by heart, so much so that we would reenact it with GI Joes, line for line. In case you haven’t seen this Troma-distributed gem, a group of would-be partying kids move into a house where decades ago an old woman stabbed her daughter to death. The kids break the woman’s tombstone--which is planted in the front yard--awakening the murderous elder. The old woman, who is actually played by one of the male kids in heavy makeup--then makes quick work of the kids. Most of the actors and the director have very, very short filmographies (although Bob seems to have been in quite a bit of stuff in the past 10 years--including an episode of Fringe, which I watch, and never even noticed!!!). In short, watch this, if you haven’t. It’s just a damn fun, cheap-as-hell picture.

6. Toxic Avenger- It was hard to choose just one Troma-produced movie. TA and its sequels, along with Class of Nuke ’Em High and its sequels, could easily take up this entire list. I have so much respect for Lloyd Kaufman, and he numbers among the few genre celebs that I would really, REALLY love to meet one day. But at the end of the day, I’ve got to go with the one that started it all. What I can I say? I love the monster hero.

5. Rock N’ Roll Nightmare- I am a sucker (A SUCKER!) for rock n’ roll or metal-themed horror movies (or non-horror rn’r movies in general, really--see ext entry). I love Black Roses, Trick or Treat, Monster Dog, Dead Girls and to a lesser extent Hard Rock Zombies (actually, I didn’t really care for HRZ that much…I would’ve preferred if they actually played hard rock, instead of the AOR type stuff that was actually in the movie). I even really enjoyed the recent Suck. But the crown ruler of rn’r movies for me is the one starring heavy metal god Thor and his band The Tritonz. Tune your fucking weapons and rock and roll with crappy demon puppets, shitty dialog and laughable SFX (and I mean that all in the very best of ways).

4. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure- It counts.

3. The Lost Boys (also tied with Evil Dead and Evil Dead II--we’re gonna need a bigger list)- Ask my wife, and she will tell you about the weird crush I have on Messrs. Feldman and Haim. And it is a tough call for me between LB and the Coreys’ 1989 masterpiece Dream A Little Dream (which totally counts). In the end, though, the vampire classic among vampire classics just edges the body-swapping Dream out of the race. I also really loved BOTH LB sequels. Necessary? No. Fun? Hell yes. R.I.P. Corey Haim.

2. The Monster Squad- This was my The Goonies. I watched and loved The Goonies just like any other kid growing up in the 80s. But MS was my shit. I watched this movie so many fucking times. I remember seeing TV spots for it when it was coming to theaters. In those days it seemed like eons before a theatrical movie would hit VHS. And I cannot express the giddiness I felt as a young boy when I finally got to rent this movie. And I rented it a lot. A lot. I was so bummed to hear in the DVD commentary that Fat Kid had died in the 90s. R.I.P. Fat Kid.

1. Nightmare on Elm Street (either parts 1, 3 or 4)- When choosing a favorite Nightmare, it usually just boils down to what day of the week it is. I love ‘em all (New Nightmare and FvJ included). Of course the first is a classic. The third was the one that introduced me to the series. The fourth has just always been a personal fave (I love Rick and his kickboxing scenes to “Anything, Anything”. Freddy will always be the ultimate Movie Maniac in my book (speaking of books, I am currently reading Robert Englund’s Hollywood Monster, which Joanna got for me for Christmas--signed at that--and it is so much fun). The entire NoES series will always be number one on my all-time favorites list.




Rick, You Little Meatball

 
And a P.S.: Making this list is actually pretty impossible.  As soon as I was done I remembered like 15 movies I should've included, like Escape From New York.  So this is the top 10 off the top of my head!

Awesome Christmas Comics

One thing I love is Christmas comics (I also love Halloween comics, but never got around to typing about them this past October).  Of course there are many, many more, what with all the various company-wide specials published through the years, but these are the ones that always really stand out in my mind this time of year.  Without too much sentimentality, here are some Holiday comics I dig:

Clerks Holiday Special- I really wish Kevin Smith would do an animated Holiday Special to go along with this excellent comic. It’s Christmas in in the tri-town area, and where else would Dante and Randall find themselves, but the Quick Stop and RST Video, respectively. Randall discovers a door between the two stores that leads to Santa’s workshop, while Dante plans to visit a catatonic Caitlin Bree, who has been institutionalized ever since she fucked a dead guy in the Quick Stop bathroom. All’s well that ends well, and, well…this ends with Dante stuffing Caitlin’s stocking with one of those oversized candy canes.

Batgirl Adventures- Babs has a little Christmas fun with Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy.

Battle Pope: Christmas Popetacular- Before The Walking Dead, before Invincible, Robert Kirkman cut his comic book teeth on a little self-published black-and-white called Battle Pope. Probably the best issue of the way-too-short series was the Christmas special. Pope bangs the Virgin Mary. Jesus throws down against Santa over the true meaning of Christmas. And, yeah, I did say that Pope goes at it with Mary, right? Certainly not a book for those who prefer the more sentimental side of the Holidays. But fun as hell, regardless.

Jingle Belle- Paul Dini’s Jingle Belle is Santa’s teenage daughter, and has been the star of a host of one-shots and minis (many of them Christmas-themed, obviously, but some of them not).

"Twas the fight before Christmas..."

Batman: The Long Halloween #3- This one isn’t really one to read on its own…but of course the Christmas installment of one of the best Bat-books written should be on this list.








JLA #60- It’s been a while since I’ve read this issue, but I remember enjoying it a lot when it came out nine years ago. Apparently Santa is a leaguer.







And lastly, a book I am looking forward to reading:

Santa Claus Versus the Martians- Apparently delayed until next Christmas, this book, published by Image, looks to be a fun slice of yuletide lunacy.

Stag Night of the Dead Reviewed

Stag Night of the Dead (2010)
Directed by Napoleon Jones (Neil Jones)

Tom Hanks never had a bachelor party like this. Dean is getting married tomorrow, and douchey best man Marky has arranged for an un-toppable bachelor party. This British zombedy is the story of six buds and their hired “stag night” entertainment (read: a stripper), who find themselves the latest willing victims in a game of Zomball. The film starts out pretty slow (which is not a good sign for a movie with a trim 80-minute running time), as we peek in on Dean hanging upside down, naked, getting whipped by the above-mentioned stripper. The opening setting, coupled with the movie’s promo art, had me a bit concerned that this would be yet another Zombie Strippers knock off. Fortunately, this is not the case.

Once the mid-day nudy bar debauchery comes to an end, the gang, stripper in tow, set off to a military complex, where they are greeted and instructed on the rules of Zomball (at this point, the film‘s pace picks up considerably). Essentially, in a post-zombie-infected world, you can pay money to hunt zombies in a controlled environment. Kinda like laser tag with the undead. This idea evokes a bit of The Running Man or Death Race 2000, in that it’s people doing fucked up shit for sport or game, and it seems to be acceptable.

The rules of Zomball are recounted to the players several times, the most important of which: Never humiliate a zombie. Whatever that means. And for the number of times this rule is reiterated, it never really comes full circle. Sure, our rowdy bunch of partiers hard end up humiliating some zombies…but it never really seems as big a deal as the rule would indicate. Despite this, and the slow beginning, the movie is pretty enjoyable. The characters are likable (when they are supposed to be) and annoying or hate-able (when called for). The stripper character is fleshed out (no, not in a nudity way) far more than most strippers in low-budget horror flicks are. Of course, there is the token sideways-hatted guy that speaks mostly in slang, who refers to himself often in the third person as DJ Ronny (think a British Loopz from Detour). DJ Ronny is good for a few laughs, though, and is the catalyst for some of the film’s funnier moments--Zomboobs and a Zomblow job.

And the makeup and special effects? Pretty damn good. There’s a scene in particular where the Flounder-like character, replete in a “This is my drinking shirt” shirt, gets smashed between the gates as they are closing, right as a zombie shoves his arm through the back of his head and out his mouth. The arm coming through this guy’s head is clearly CG, but it’s good enough that it doesn’t detract from the death or garner any laughs. You are still focused on the fact that this guy just had a zombie’s arm shoved through the back of his head. Certainly miles ahead of anything I might see on SyFy on a Saturday night (though I do genuinely love those made-for-SyFy joints).

These days, when video store shelves (figuratively! I know no one goes to the video store any more) are overflowing with dime-a-dozen, direct-to-video zombie rampages, you could do a hell of a lot worse than to support Stag Night of the Dead.

Technology vs. Nostalgia: Part One--the Audiophile

Back in 2006, I thought I was ready. I bought an iPod, loaded it up and burned back-up copies of all of my CDs. Then I sold my entire CD collection on eBay. I was ready to embrace the new MP3-only world that seemed fast approaching. As it turned out, I wasn’t.

As a little back story, I’m not much of a hoarder or collector or keeper-of-things. If I haven’t used something in a week I’m ready to get rid of it. So I have always been selling portions of my CD collection. CDs I wasn’t listening to at a particular time were sold to the local record store to make room and money for new ones. But I always maintained a fairly sizeable collection. Until I sold them all. ALL of them. Even the ones that were NEVER cut during one of my semi-annual collection purges.

And I thought I was ready.

For the first few months, it was okay. But then I found myself getting the itch. I was missing digging through the CD bins. Missing scouring eBay for good deals on out-of-print discs. Missing the hulking collection of discs that was always stored in alphabetical order next to my stereo. When I started getting those urges, I started doing something that kind of felt like the bulimia of CD addiction. I would buy discs regularly for a few months, accumulate a mini-collection, and then throw them all up on eBay. Then I would start anew.

But why? Why did I miss my CD addiction so much? Certainly it was cheaper to just buy MP3s off iTunes or Amazon. Certainly it takes up less space in the house. No need for a bulky CD tower. Certainly it is more environmentally friendly, since no resources would be used to create the physical product. But damn, nostalgia is a nag. I was missing the goofy shit. Unwrapping a new CD, carefully removing the white sticker that annoyingly ran across the top, popping the fresh disc into the player. The things I had done thousands of times since 1993 when I got my first CD player for my fifteenth birthday.

Now, four years after selling my CD collection, after spending seventeen years and thousands of dollars buying music, I own about six CDs. And I miss my collection. My fully loaded iPod does not cut it. Silly as it is, I want that physical product with the liner notes and the case and the disc and the unwrapping and the alphabetizing. So I’m planning to re-build my collection. Evolution be damned. I don’t have to accept the technology if I don’t want to. I mean, the albums are still going on my iPod, so it’s not like it’s going to be 1998, with me having to pick and choose which discs I take in the car with me. I just like the idea of having that physical archive.

Like I said, nostalgia is kind of a bitch. Or I’m nostalgia’s bitch. Either way. I miss my CD collection. And I thought I was ready.

DVD releases for September 28, 2010

This is the last week of September. Friday is the first day of October. Probably the best time of year to be a horror fan. The Fall/Halloween movie season gets started with some great titles.

First up is Adam Green’s Frozen. I wish I had been able to see this in theaters, as the trailer looked so intense. Looks like a great movie to curl up with on a cold winter night.

I have always heard how awesome the 1981 made-for-TV Dark Night of the Scarecrow is, and now I will finally be able to find out for myself. Hope this flick lives up to the hype!

I’m not a die hard fan of Madman like a lot of slasher fans are. But I do enjoy it, and will be glad to finally add it to my collection, as the original DVD had been out of print for a while.

While Iron Man 2 was not quite as good as the first (and it broke the sequel-that’s-better-than-the-first chain that X2, Spider-Man 2 and The Dark Knight started), I definitely had a good time in the theater. It was a great kickoff for the 2010 summer movie season.

Get Him to the Greek was not a genre movie of any kind, but goddamn I can’t wait to see it. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is probably one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen, and part of it’s charm was Russell Brand. Basing an entire movie around his Aldous Snow was a great idea.

Another film I am stoked for is Suck. To begin with, I would probably watch anything Alice Cooper was in at all, because he rules so hard. Throw in Iggy Pop and Henry Rollins and it’s all rock n’ roll from there.

I haven’t been into all the DC animated movies over the past few years (though I still want to see Batman: Under the Red Hood), but Superman/Batman: Apocalypse does look pretty fun.



...And holy shit, next week looks almost as good, if not better!  Because, fucking finally:

Zombies on the Rampage

I read a review in a fairly recent issue of Fangoria of some new low-budget zombie film. The review began with the following lines: “I hate zombie movies. I hate saying I hate zombie movies.” This was the reviewer’s way of saying that he has grown bored with the zombie sub-genre in the past six years, since the Dawn of the Dead remake and “The Walking Dead” comic renewed interest in reanimated corpses. At least they renewed interest with the masses. Us horror hounds have always known that zombies were awesome, and it didn’t take these breakout works to prove it (though I do love them both).

This review kind of bothered me. I mean, the movie being reviewed may have sucked (I don’t even remember what it was called). And we have all seen our fair share of crappy zombie movies to come out in the last half decade. But seriously, that is not going to deter me from continuing to check out the ones that look good, even if the genre *is* saturated. Just last year I watched and LOVED Dead Snow, and the other night I finally got around to watching Flight of the Living Dead--fun as hell. Granted, for every one of those enjoyable zombie movies, there’s a The Wickeds or a Day of the Dead 2. But still….remember how fun Dead & Breakfast was? And I would never want to dissuade someone from making the next Hide and Creep.

Maybe this guy was one of those movie-goers bemoaning all the post-Scream slashers that came out eleven years ago (of which I certainly saw my fair share of crappy ones…but I was just thankful that people were making slasher movies again). And I’m sure he now “hates vampire movies” and “hates saying he hates vampire movies.” And maybe he‘s right. But this automatically, and unfairly, crosses out all the great flicks that may come out dealing with any of these commonly-tread horror tropes.

I love zombie movies. I love saying I love zombie movies. Like many of you, I’ve loved them for twenty-ish years, ever since I saw the Tom Savini Night of the Living Dead remake in seventh grade. And I will continue to love every zombie movie (and slasher movie and vampire movie and whatever else becomes popular next year) that is made well, and with care and affection from the filmmaker. But who knows, maybe the movie being reviewed just sucked.